The Prison of Resentment: How to forgive someone who never said “I’m sorry”

by | Nov 22, 2025 | Relationships

Estimated Reading Time: 10-12 minutes

Biblical Basis: Matthew 18, Colossians 3, Genesis 50, Romans 12. (NIV)

There is a silent fantasy that many of us nurture when we are wounded. We imagine the day when the person who offended us—whether an absent father, an unfaithful ex-spouse, a dishonest business partner, or a betraying friend—will come to us, with tears in their eyes, and say: “I was wrong. I am so sorry. Please forgive me.”

In this fantasy, justice is served, the pain is validated, and finally, we feel free to forgive.

But real life rarely follows this script. Most of the time, the person who hurt you goes on with their life as if nothing happened. Or worse: they believe they are the victim. The apology never comes. The phone doesn’t ring.

And so, we get stuck. We stand there holding a hot coal in our hand, waiting to throw it at the person who hurt us, but we are the ones getting burned.

The question of this study is hard, but necessary: Is it possible (and biblical) to forgive someone who hasn’t repented? How do we release someone who, in our eyes, doesn’t deserve to be let go?

Let’s dive into the anatomy of biblical forgiveness and discover how to walk out of this prison.

1. The Myth: “Forgiving is Forgetting” or “Agreeing”

Before we learn how to forgive, we need to clear the ground of what forgiveness is not. Many people refuse to forgive because they think it means becoming a doormat.

The Bible is very realistic about human evil. It never asks us to pretend the evil didn’t happen.

  1. Forgiving is not forgetting: God gave us a memory. Forgetting is amnesia, not a virtue. Forgiving is remembering the wound but removing the “sting” of the pain. It is remembering without wishing for revenge.
  2. Forgiving is not minimizing: Saying “oh, it was nothing” isn’t forgiveness; it’s denial. Real forgiveness looks at the evil, acknowledges it was terrible, acknowledges it cost you dearly, and still decides to cancel the debt.
  3. Forgiving is not Reconciling (Crucial): This is where most people get stuck.
    • Forgiveness depends on only one person (you). It is vertical (between you and God).
    • Reconciliation depends on two people. It is horizontal. It requires repentance and changed behavior from the other party.
    • The Bible says: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Sometimes, it doesn’t depend on you. You can forgive an abuser without ever hanging out with them again. Forgiving is releasing the prisoner; reconciling is bringing them back home. The two do not always go together.

2. The Financial Logic of the Kingdom: Canceling the Debt

In New Testament Greek, the word often used for forgiveness is Aphiemi, which literally means “to send away” or “to cancel a debt.”

When someone hurts us, they “steal” from us. They steal our innocence, our time, our reputation, our joy, or our money. Spiritually, a debt is created. We walk through life with a mental ledger, saying: “So-and-so owes me this.”

Unforgiveness is the attempt to make the person pay. We punish the person with our silence, with our bitterness, with gossip, hoping that somehow this will settle the score.

But Jesus tells a parable in Matthew 18:23-35 that changes everything. He speaks of a king who forgave a servant a debt of 10,000 talents (billions of dollars, an unpayable amount). That same servant went out and found a fellow servant who owed him 100 denarii (a few months’ wages) and choked him, demanding payment.

Jesus’ logic is terrifying and liberating: How can we choke someone for 100 coins, when God released our throat from a debt of billions?

Forgiving someone who hasn’t apologized isn’t about the other person. It’s about recognizing how much YOU have been forgiven by God. Christians forgive not because the other person deserves it, but because we didn’t deserve it and were forgiven anyway.

“Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)

3. Revenge is a Job for Professionals

Why is it so hard to let go of the offense when there is no apology? Because we feel that Justice is not being served.

If I forgive, who will make them pay? Will they “get away with it”?

The biblical answer requires a lot of faith: You are not the Judge of the Universe. You do not have the competence, the wisdom, nor the impartiality to judge and execute the sentence.

Paul writes in Romans 12:19:

“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

This is not passivity. It is a transfer of a legal case. When you decide not to forgive and hold onto a grudge, you are saying: “God, sit on the bench. I’ll take over the courtroom. I’m going to make this person pay with my hatred.”

The problem? Hatred corrodes the vessel that contains it, not the person on whom it is poured. Forgiving is saying: “God, I resign from the position of judge. I hand the case over to You. I trust that You are Just and will know how to deal with this person (whether with mercy, as You had with me, or with judgment) better than I can.”

4. The Practical Step-by-Step: How to forgive the unrepentant?

If forgiveness is not a feeling (you probably don’t feel like forgiving), then it is a decision. How do we operationalize this?

Step 1: Validate the Pain (Grieve)

Do not skip this step. Go to a private place and tell God (or write down) exactly what was done. Scream, cry. “God, they betrayed me. It hurt. It was unfair. I am angry.” You cannot forgive a debt if you don’t acknowledge the value. Put the price on the table.

Step 2: The Judicial Decision

After exposing the wound, make the transaction. Don’t wait to feel “peace” first. Peace comes after the decision. Pray aloud: “Lord, [Name] did not ask for my forgiveness. They don’t deserve my forgiveness. But I was forgiven by You. Therefore, in obedience and for my freedom, I declare their debt canceled. I tear up the promissory note today. I relinquish my right to get even.”

Step 3: Bless the Root of Bitterness

Jesus gave us a counter-intuitive command: “Pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). When the memory of the offense returns (and it will return), don’t talk to the memory. Talk to God about the person. “God, bless [Name]. Have mercy on them, just as You had on me.” It is impossible to continue hating someone for whom you sincerely pray. Prayer changes your heart, even if it doesn’t change theirs.

5. The Case of Joseph: “God intended it for good”

In Genesis 50, we see Joseph of Egypt standing before his brothers. They sold him into slavery. They stole his youth. They never asked for a sincere apology until they were terrified of him.

Joseph could have executed them. But he said:

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20)

Joseph understood the Sovereignty of God. He knew that his brothers’ evil was not powerful enough to thwart God’s plans for his life.

When you don’t forgive, you are giving too much power to your offender. You are saying that what they did has more power over your future than what God can do. Forgiving is taking back control of your story. It is saying: “What you did was evil, but God is greater. I am no longer your victim; I am free.”

Conclusion: Release the Prisoner

Writer Corrie ten Boom, a survivor of a Nazi concentration camp, said: “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was you.”

Waiting for an apology is handing the key to your cell over to your offender. It is letting them control your joy, your sleep, and your peace. Do not give them that power.

Take the key back. The name of the key is Forgiveness. The door is open. You can walk out today.

Do you feel like you are carrying weights you can’t put down? Unforgiveness often stems from a wounded identity. To discover who you truly are in God, look out for our upcoming release: “The Mirror.” In the meantime, strengthen your foundation with our guide “Start Here.”